✨ I wasn’t going to make a post about myself but with it being carers week I thought it is only fair to share my personal story of all the highs and my lows of being a full time carer and a wife for the last 4 years. I apologise in advance if I ramble. Please don’t judge me for my honesty.

7 years ago I met Chris at my workplace, I wasn’t looking for anyone and I was happy to be single forever. But Chris changed that instantly, and I have been on cloud nine since.
Chris has always been so funny, witty and I would laugh so much I would cry because my sides hurt.

Four years ago that all changed when Chris was rushed into hospital and he was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour. I not long started a new job that I was loving, but after constant phone calls from the hospital and talking to so many professionals I was told before he was allowed to come home from hospital I needed to be at home with Chris and to become his carer. If I was honest I had so many thoughts running through my mind, feeling scared, anxious, I started to feel sick thinking about finances and how we would cope. After I got off the phone I broke down and I cried. I remember telling myself how lucky I am that I have Chris in my life and I would do anything for him.

The one big positive about being a carer is that what time Chris has left we have spent our time TOGETHER and making so many memories, which sadly Chris is forgetting fast, thankfully we have photos to look back on and talk about. You can not put a price on memories. It can be a very positive and rewarding experience to know I am helping someone else.

I feel that I have learnt more about my own strengths. I will be honest it isn't easy. There are times when it is desperate, exhausting and miserable seeing the person becoming a shell of the person you once knew, or seeing them in so much pain. But overall I think we're stronger, more honest and more resilient as a couple.

Over the 4 years I have developed really bad depression. I always looked after my appearance with make up, my hair all nice. Now I struggle and I don’t anymore. I feel embarrassed when I look back on photos of me and how nice I used to look. I find that the challenges I face looking after someone else makes me feel low or depressed because I cannot make that person better. I developed unhelpful coping strategies over the years to deal with difficult feelings. For example I go through eating stages depending on how bad I feel that day I can eat more or less than I need to. I feel very frustrated or hopeless, if I am being honest I have thoughts of harming myself or ending my life when I no longer have Chris, I think I would rather feel nothing than live with the constant heartache and loneliness. But talking to therapists help and they don’t judge me.

I now struggle with low self-esteem. Looking after someone else has a big impact on my self-esteem. I focus all my time on Chris (and that’s what I want to do). I have lost confidence in myself and my abilities to do anything except supporting someone else. I have always worked full time since I was 16 and because I have given up work, I feel that I have lost a part of myself. I have always been so bubbly and I would laugh all the time, now I always look so grumpy and I miss my laugh.

I have so much built up guilt, frustration and anger. A lot of my time I take myself for a shower and I cry or I go to bed and I lay there and cry. I have lost my spark, smile and I feel like I have turned into a miserable cow and I don’t know how to come out of it. I am so angry at the world.

I experience so much stress and worry. I spend a lot of time thinking about his health and what will happen in the future, I can not switch this off. Over a long time, worry and stress has caused my mental health more problems. It can also make existing problems worse. I feel a constant anxiety about the person I care for. A simple day out I have to plan it all out before we go incase anything bad happens, nothing is simple anymore. If my feelings of anxiety are strong they can become overwhelming.

But regards how I feel I keep telling myself I would move mountains for Chris, walk on fire, I am his biggest cheerleader and I am always by his side and supporting him through any hurdle. I am blessed and so lucky to have Chris in my life. I cannot put into words how proud of him I am, and to still make me laugh even through his tears and pain. I really do love him! ❤️